Teaching Sam and Scout

*如果你不熟悉我姐姐的故事，你可以读一点here和here, for context. Also, if you missed it, you should probably see what I had to say about her on her birthday earlier this monthhere太。

我妈妈在2月份拿回这张照片，当时我们和我的妹妹一起去了外部银行，记住我的姐夫对他的第41岁生日那是什么，并在海滩上传播他结婚并花了很多快乐的东西天。这是我最喜欢的那个周末的照片，因为它如此完美地说明了从我的角度来看的悲伤体验......请注意Kathryn在海洋上。水有时候粗糙，令人恐惧，在别人身上宁静和平静。这很茫茫，你看不到它结束的地方......

当她看起来只有这样的方式，她是一个人的;但是，从另一个方向来看，她很明显她不是。在她身后，回来的几步，是那些喜欢Dewayne的人，爱她;想要面对那个海洋的人with她。她的部落。

It’s a beautiful picture, right?

我们现在已经在这个悲伤之旅。它是Kathryn’s真的，但我说“我们”，因为我真的试图和她一起走。我从一开始就知道这将是一场马拉松比赛，我答应了她那个 - 虽然会有很多人喜欢她，并在路径上以不同的间隔欢呼她，但我将成为少数迈出的少数人之一除了她 - 在必要时停止护理伤口或在路边哭泣，在“容易的日子”下沿着下坡，并战斗以赶上最难的东西......

最终，下面是什么my本赛季的经验。虽然我确实有她的祝福来分享所有这些，但如果她写它会是不同的。这不是关于如何与别人一起走的损失的帖子......我试图诚实，脆弱的是我自己的缺点和 - 在某些情况下 - 她;但是，我认为这是值得的，我的妹妹一直非常惊人。

There is no “How to Survive Losing Your Husband at Only 32 for Dummies” book (trust me, I’ve looked for it), but Kathryn has taken each step along the way with strength, humility, and hope… From the very beginning, her goal has been to honor DeWayne – the man he was, and the legacy he has left – and she has done an INCREDIBLE job. It has not always been easy or pretty, but I am in awe of her strength and beauty during the hardest months of her life… She has taught me more than I could ever put into words. I am so ridiculously proud of her that it physically hurts sometimes. Seriously.

我们还有很长的路要走，而且我还有很长的路要走far来自任何一方的专家;but, with Kathryn’s permission (and insight in some areas), I wanted to share some of what I’ve learned so far in hopes that my lessons might help another tribe on this path and – years from now – serve as a reminder to Kathryn and me of the road we traveled and the distance we covered together.

Here we go.

How to love someone experiencing a loss:

Let them be sad/mad/whatever.老实说,这是一个非常困难的things for me; but, I really believe, it’s the most important… I’m a fixer; and, in this case, a big sister. My natural tendency, of course, is to want to STOP the pain and somehow make things “better” for Kathryn… Sadly though, I’ve learned that there is no bandaid or magic word for grief… On her hardest days, I have had to actively stop myself from saying things like “don’t be sad,” and trying to cheer her up / change the subject / etc. As much as I might want to do those things, that’s not my job; and, the truth is, experiencing her emotions NOW – when they are still so new and raw – is actually CRUCIAL to Kathryn’s healing in the long run… Seeing someone you love hurt is absolutely THE WORST, but I have learned to be OK with sitting there in the pain和她一起instead of trying to pull her up. Now, I say things like “of course that made you sad,” or “you have every right to be angry over that.” Sometimes I cry too. Sometimes I just hug her and say nothing at all.

Don’t say “I know how you feel” or “I understand.”基本上，除非你的情况是*完全*与经历最近损失情况的人一样，否则这是无益的，也可能有害。事实是，你不知道，你不能。老实说，我认为这些话有时会因为我们想说的而脱落某事，我们不知道该说些什么。虽然是一个更好的选择？只是说，“我不知道该说些什么。”或者“这是难以想象的。我很抱歉。”

Have a mantra。Because it is SO easy to say the wrong things in situations like this (see above; and, trust me, I’ve said LOTS of wrong things), I’ve found it helpful to have one or two things I/we say over and over when things are hard. A big one for Kathryn and I has been — “there’s only one first.” As you can probably imagine, the first time doing something without the person you love is SUPER hard; but, this reminder has been good in both the big things, and the little things… There is only one first night sleeping without him. Only one first Christmas without him. There is only one first vacation without him. Only one first tax filing without him. Only one first softball game without him. Only one first snow storm without him. Only one first dinner at home without him. Only one first first day of school without him. Only one first oil change without him. Sure, she’s going to have to do many of these hard things over and over without her husband (which 100% sucks); but, there is only one first; and, time has shown us, that it does get (a tiny bit) easier each time. *Edited to add: Don’t overuse your mantra. I think Kathryn is kind-of sick of this one now. Haha!

Give lots of grace.正如你所能想象的那样，你失去你的配偶的技术/实际/关系方面可以超级复杂和混乱...就像我在我的最后一点时说，这是第一Time Kathryn以前做过任何一个;而且，当她做了一个善良的工作，虽然也是为所有人做好准备。然而事实是，她是人类，她也犯了错误。她出现了“太开心”或“太伤心了”。她忘记了事情。她错过了重要的事件，留在她关心的人，并使用了很多四个字母的单词。（我们现在笑了思考她与牧师谈到的方式 - 当然，令人难以置信的慷慨和理解 - 在Dewayne的纪念服务的那一天！）即使在她的不完美之处，她的部落也知道她的心。他们知道，当她回到家时，微笑的Instagram照片不会显示出她的眼泪，真正 - 在她的盘子上有多少钱跟上这些天。他们知道她的意图总是好的，他们很快就会给她疑虑的好处，为误操欲提供宽恕，而且戴上慷慨的恩典。

舒适，倾倒。I learned about the悲伤/环理论圈from our Pastor on the day after DeWayne died, and it has been immensely helpful to me in keeping things in perspective throughout the grieving process. If you aren’t familiar with this theory, you should definitely do a quick Google search; but, in a nutshell, you draw a circle with several rings and the person(s) most closely affected by the crisis go on the inside of the circle – in my case, Kathryn; the next ring includes the people next closest – best friends, family members, etc.; and so on. Then, you aim togive comfortto anyone in a more inner circle than you, and允许/要求舒适从更多外圈的人比你在一起。所以，特别是在一开始，我没有谈论凯瑟恩关于多么悲伤和害怕Iwas, but I DID talk to Jeff and a few best friends. Make sense? (P.S. I think showing some level of sadness with the person grieving is SUPER important/helpful – in fact, crying with them is often therapeutic for both of you. Just make sure you aren’t crying harder than the person at the center… If they are rubbing您的回到并告诉你它会好的，你走错了方向......）

Show up.This seems obvious, but just BE THERE. Physically, if possible. But, texting, emailing, snail mail, etc. go a long way too. Be the friend that shows up on Thanksgiving morning (when he knows you’ll be cooking alone) with a Diet Coke to sit in the kitchen and chat. Send a text “just checking in” or mail a funny card (Emily McDowell.has the BEST ones). Schedule the regular Tuesday night dinner or the monthly trivia games at the brewery. For Kathryn, staying busy and being with people has helped a lot. Others, I can imagine, might prefer being alone or at home. Either way, send the invite… just remember to show grace if it’s declined.

不要害怕正常。我也认为在合理的时间后表现出“正常”有些东西可以说。That amount is probably different for everyone, but don’t shy away from inviting your friend to watch bad reality tv just because it seems trivial after what she has experienced (it might be just the escape they need), or even from asking her to help with your kids/pets/home/etc. if you would have done this before the loss… Some of my best nights with my sister these last ten months have involved giving my kids baths and blowdrying hair and folding laundry… In a season where she absolutely deserved to be selfish, she’s been more giving than ever – picking Sam up at the bus stop, going to soccer games, attending dance recitals, etc. etc. etc. Maybe I’m just making myself feel better, but I think those things – those little bits of normalcy and purpose — can be super healing — especially if they involve cute kids and/or dogs.

帮助实际帮助。提议停止并让她的狗出来，把垃圾桶拖到街上，铲子雪，割草，把礼品卡放到她最喜欢的商店，把它带走它被检查，送去送餐，送餐（如果你留下来吃和吃can), clean out the gutters, etc. etc. etc. Kathryn’s tribe has STEPPED UP, and it has been a huge blessing. Not only does it free up some mental space and physical time for her, but it is also a tangible picture of the love they have for her. PLUS, many of these tasks are especially sensitive and hard because they were things DeWayne would have normally done and, therefore, make his absence feel even more real/strong. The practical things are NEVER unappreciated, and they help more than you realize.

Still, you MUST照顾好自己。你知道旧的“你不能从空杯中倒”和“在你帮助别人的东西之前放在自己的氧气面膜”。这些都很可爱，但超级难以在现实生活中实施;而且，我承认，大多数时候都在照顾自己很可怕。但是，重要的是......对我来说，自我照顾意味着认识到我对我姐夫的丧失（我所爱的人）的悲伤和over the loss of “the old” Kathryn (she will never be the same after this in many ways). It has meant seeing a counselor once a month to talk about my own stuff, having good girlfriends that I can unload on once in a while; and, prioritizing time with my own husband and kids guilt free! To be fair, Kathryn has NEVER put pressure on me to do/be too much, but having boundaries for yourself can almost be harder than implementing them with other people… I have had to accept that I can’t “do” everything or be with Kathryn all the time; and I’ve learned to simply be grateful for the INCREDIBLE group of friends she has – many of whom are in different stages of life than me – that can (and are) there when I’m not (which is a lot), that step up to do the things I forget/can’t/don’t, and that have also come alongside her on this route. Like many things in life, this takes a village – and she has a REALLY good one.

记得。如果你能做什么,你可以简单地remember the person that was lost…. It has meant SO much to Kathryn to hear from people who’s lives were impacted by DeWayne, to hear the funny stories, to see pictures, etc. Don’t be afraid to talk about him (trust me, you won’t be “reminding” the person grieving of anything that isn’t already on his/her mind 24/7). Use their name. It’s ok to say things like “he would have loved this,” or “this song made me think of the time he…” Also, remember the date of the loss and other important ones (birthdays, anniversaries, etc.). A quick text or email on a specific date goes a long way, but remembering on random days is great too! Put a reminder in your phone for months/years down the road… Remember, this is a marathon — while, in so many ways, our lives go back to regular programming after a while, hers will not. It can be incredibly comforting to remember that DeWayne is not forgotten, and neither is Kathryn, even as time passes.

而且，我们走了。显然我有很多待这么说！哈哈！I hope this was helpful/meaningful to someone out there in internet land, and if you’ve walked through a similar season with a friend/loved one (or gone through something and had people walk beside you), I’d LOVE to hear what you think of this list + what you would add.

谢谢你对我姐姐和家人的继续祈祷。我们正在做！

E